Naughty Cover Letters

I’ve been on the job hunt over six months now. Roughly speaking, that’s 180 days or 4230 hours I’ve spent trolling Craigslist, attending networking meetings, consulting career counselors, scheduling informational interviews, emailing resumes, snail mailing resumes, hand delivering resumes, and, more often than not, pounding my head against the desk just to fill the excruciating silence of the unresponsive hiring managers—all this pain and misery for two measly interviews.

Is it any wonder I’ve lost my mind? Yes, the other day, I threw up my hands in exasperation. I decided that if they weren’t listening, why I could say anything I damn well pleased on my cover letter.

So to Craigslist I raced. The first job I found was a marketing communications specialist. Why not, I thought to myself. I’m at least as good a communicator as George W. Bush. So I wrote:

“Hello, Do you want some boring, dull, ordinary guy hocking your wares for a buck? Or do you want a professional willing to go balls out to make your product shine? If you want the later, I think we may be able to work something out. You want good public speaking that highlights the benefits of your product and drives people to whip out their credit cards and get into fist fights for your stuff? I'm the man. I can mesmerize and incite riots. Do you want a writer who can hook the reader and leave them salivating all over themselves for your merchandise? Yes, I'm him too Do you want an internet marketer who understands search engine optimization so well Google has targeted him for assassination? I'm dodging the bullet as I (ouch) write. Do you want to hire someone who get the job done and gets it done right no matter how many ninjas bar his path? I just killed a ninja. Do you want the Indiana Jones, Luke Skywalker, or Spider-Man of marketing communications specialists? Call me. We can talk over martinis and discuss how we'll take over the world.”

Forget this broke every cover letter rule in the book. I know of a guy who got hired at a major advertising company after submitting his cover letter on a bar napkin. So, I waited and waited and…waited. I could only surmise that they didn’t find my cover letter as clever as I did. So, undaunted, I tried again. I found another marketing communications job that I really felt qualified for as well. This time I decided to show off my rapping skills because every marketing guy needs to know how to rap, right?

“My name is Dan T.
And I'm a marketing G.
You want to sell your P.
Then look no further than me.

The menu is fine
With SEO online
And more Web hits
(Point of sakes, that is)
Than any other mother can deliver

You want communications?
You want to get the word -
OUT!
About the benefits
Of your Gizmo
Gadget
Or Polyester
Magnet?

You want sexy
sumptuous
scintillating
sentences
that will say:
My company is....
Better than a cold beer
On a sweltering sunny day?

Then I'm your man.
Give me a shout out.
This ain't just no R&B
or RC
or even D&D

You know me.
This is all B.S.
(That’s business sales, that is)
So shoot me a line.
We can talk.
If you’re so inclined
to make some sales
and improve your pay scale.
Peace out brother”

Once again, I received no response. Frustrated, I decided maybe marketing communications wasn’t the best career option for me. But what else could an able bodied man like me do for a living? Ah, why hadn’t I considered it before? The sex industry, of course.

“Hi, I'm writing in regards to your male nude models position advertised on craigslist. I think I'm a pretty sexy guy whose dong is quite a bit longer and more fleshy than the young man on your Web site. Actually, to be honest, my dong is so long and full I split my wife in two. It's a dangerous wong I have. It may be too much for the camera. Also, I should warn you of some minor physical disfigurements I have. Please remember, under ADA law, you can't discriminate because of physical disability. But...I've got two penisis. I guess you could call them peni. What is really strange is that one is white and the other black. If I had a third yellow one, I could be a multi-cultural porn star. Please don't tell me this disqualifies me. I'd have to sue you.”

Finally, I hit gold. What porn director could refuse a cover letter like that, especially with the threat of a law suit…unless of course there was no porn director posting this ad, but rather just a bunch of bozos working the night shift, posting misleading ads in the adult section of Craigslist to pass the time rather than doing their work. Ironic, how I’m the one unemployed, huh?